Dying Thoughts
by Miko Akako
Summary: SPOILERS FOR END OF SERIES. He knew what Ryuuk never said – his soul had not been forfeit when he first used the death note – it died slowly, loosing a hold to humanity. Kira's thoughts at the end of the series. REDONE


SPOILER ALERT: Do not read further if you have not finished the anime/manga.

Miko: This is reposted from my other ff account which I am working on deleting. It has been totally redone, though and personally I think it is much better.

The regular font is Kira at the end of episode 37 and the _italics_ are flashbacks from Raito. Read and Review!

**Dying Thoughts**

As Kira ran away, he didn't know what he was running from. He knew he would die of the wounds, or die in prison soon after. He must be running to something. He didn't know. Somehow he had the strength to continue, to keep his legs moving though his mind was numb. When he ended at the warehouse, he fell to the ground, grasping his chest.

_The notebook looked like any other. The instructions were terrifying, though. That is why Raito decided the only thing to do with it would be to lock it up. He felt part of himself stirring; called by the book and its promise of power. He tried to push the Death Note from his mind, but something in the far parts of his memory strained to write in the black book. He didn't remember deciding to write in it – he didn't remember taking it from where he had hidden it. But as he saw the man die, he only felt a sick horror enter his brain. But it was replaced by a fascination – a deep desire to see more of this._

Dying hurt more then he had ever imagined. Kira had written so many names in the book but he had never given a thought to how death felt. He waited the 40 seconds and then the world was a safer place. Their suffering was of no use to him – they had hurt others far worse then a heart attack – killing them with the Death Note was the easy way out! But as the pain consumed him, coupled with the betrayal shots, he realized they had suffered for their crimes…and he was glad. A criminal should not get off easily; dying in their sleep or slipping away from life peacefully by lethal injection. They deserved the pain he was feeling now.

_Ryuuk. The name instilled fear in Raito Yagami's heart, just like the eyes that seemed to penetrate to his soul – ripping it from his body. When the Shinigami offered him the eyes, it scared him how close he had come to accepting but the cold, calculating presence had to weigh the benefits. In the end, Raito was glad of the decision – but it still worried him that he had even considered it. He was ashamed at how he played Misa Amane and felt no regret. All his life he was raised to be respectful, but the part of him that was drawn to the Death Note wasn't so civilized. _

Kira felt only regret at not being able to live in his utopia. He was disappointing millions of people over the world who would hear the name of Kira with only love and respect. The others – it was their loss. He was creating the perfect world. Just like he had always dreamed of. A world where the streets were safe for everyone to walk. A world where there was no death or violence. A world that Kira knew he would have to stay in despite his crimes because the duty of keeping the safety and punishing the wrong-doers should never fall in the hands of a clean soul.

_The periods where his memory went blank finally started to worry, Raito. He would come back to himself only half aware of what had been going on, but the memories were too absurd to even consider. When L voiced the accusation out loud, Raito's blood ran cold – he was Kira. But the horrible monster always managed to keep Raito's mouth shut just when he felt he should confess. Raito hated feeling like a passenger in his own life, but he didn't have the will power to take control back from the evil presence._

He could hear Near taunting him, though he knew the boy genius would never lower himself to such level. He felt no hatred for Near – in fact he pitied him. Near would go down in history as being the person who wrongly killed the savior of the human race. Of course like L, Near had really had no choice. Both were as committed to their skewed sense of justice as he was to true Justice. They should be admired, but he deserved respect due a God.

_When the voice in his head decided to erase the memories of the Death Note, Raito nearly cried in relief, but he was too dignified to lower himself to childish behavior. He thought maybe, just maybe, he could keep himself from regaining the memories and live like a normal person. He felt sorry for Misa-Misa who had been so taking in by him that she was willing to ruin her life. The part inside him was pleased to have her – she had given him the Eyes without loosing his life. _

All his life, Kira was the perfect child – brilliant, obedient, and dedicated. Everyone should be like that – the world should strive for perfection. His death was only the last in a horrible line leading, ultimately, to the destruction of human kind. He knew he was no Jesus to be resurrected on the third day. He knew that with him, all hope for human salvation was lost. The thought didn't make him sad as he expected, but angry. The violent emotion consumed his body in his final moments, giving him the power to drag himself partially up the stairs.

_Raito was secretly pleased to be chained to L. He admired the detective greatly. But more then that, he sought the older boy's approval. Raito was determined to catch Kira before L. Raito hated loosing. But soon he grew to enjoy the time he spent with L. The detective still kept him at arms length, but Raito was certain he could break through the exterior and get to know the detective. Soon it seemed as if, the older boy was beginning to open up and a friendship was forming and Raito was happy for the first time he could remember. But still, as much as Raito wished, the detective would never allow the feeling to progress beyond friendship. Friendship was safe and was a force that could easily be broken. Love bound both parties together as surely as the chain holding them together. As time passed, Raito grew to believe he was Kira. Sometimes, when he looked at the death reportings, he felt a sickening satisfaction at the deaths. He never told L, though he should have. _

Suddenly, an overwhelming hatred crept into Kira's mind. He did not direct the feeling at any one person, but at the whole of humanity. He lost his soul to make the world a better place and what he got for it was a painful death. The people he had sacrificed so much to protect had, in the end, betrayed him. The injustice pulled on his slowing heart worse then the fear of death. He fingers opened and closed, longing to hold the notebook, as if it could correct all the wrongs as it had in the past.

_He screamed when he touched the notebook but not because of the Shinigami. He was screaming, hoping to regain control over his body but a deep malice stirred at the edge of his thoughts. He quieted, coming back to the silent acceptance of that other part of him – the part that got power through the notebook Even though the chain was gone, Raito felt himself pulled towards L every time he left the room. L made him feel safe. L kept the dark thoughts from coming to the surface. The evil part of Raito hated L and the safety he offered the weaker half of himself. He began plotting the necessary downfall of the misguided detective._

Kira's vision started to go dark, though his eyes were open. His once brilliant mind started slowing from lack of blood flow. If he could have raised his hand to his chest he would not feel the comforting thudding sound that was his heart. The world had become muted, except for the bells. They sounded far away, probably from the church a few blocks down. They sounded sad, so not a wedding…a funeral.

_Talking on the rooftop in the rain, Raito heard the bells. It was so easy then to loose himself in the melancholy ringing. He had detached, leaving Kira to answer L in half truths and carefully worded lies. Nothing mattered anymore to Raito – the bells meant for Ryuuzaki were also ringing for Raito. When L dried his feet, he knew he loved the older boy. He also knew the dark part of him hated the detective with a passion as strong as love – hate. Being in such close contact to L cleared Raito's head of the black presence. He reached forward to dry the detectives dripping hair, making sure to keep the towel between his skin and the black locks. His heart hurt, then. It hurt in anticipation of the pain the dark angel before him was about to experience. There was no way to escape the trap he – Kira – had laid. _

Kira didn't allow himself to look hurt, though he felt daggers stabbing at his chest. With the last of his strength, he set his face in a peaceful mask. Ryuuzaki had looked peaceful, Kira thought sluggishly. He knew he had won –Yagami Raito was Kira – and had died in peace. Ryuuzaki was the only man Kira felt sorry for killing. He was brilliant – Almost as brilliant as Kira himself. He was also just as determined to root out the evil of society; until he went after Kira. The mistake was painfully obvious to Kira – he was sure the detective realized also but was just too stubborn to admit his first assumption was wrong. Kira gave him ample time to change his mind, even befriending him and subtly trying to win him over, but it had all been in vain. The detective had to die.

_When Watari cleared the screens, Raito's mind had cried in a warning too late to deliver. He watched as L fell slowly, gracefully, to the floor. Raito acted without thinking. He saved L from experiencing that extra pain. He tried to hold L there; tried to convey his desperation with his eyes. He whispered 'I love you' but no one heard, he didn't know if L heard. Then, just as he felt the last of L's life leaving his body, he saw red cloud his vision and consume his senses. The dark presence that had been kept back by L was now unchecked. As L slipped away to the next world, Raito Yagami followed._

Kira didn't care that he had no soul to go to heaven or hell. He knew what Ryuuk never said – his soul had not been forfeit when he first used the death note – it died slowly, loosing a hold to humanity. The person known as Raito had died a slow, painful death. Each time a name was written in the notebook, Kira felt the soul of Raito slowly loose control of the body that had been his. Normally, a soul would leave after the first few names but Raito was stronger and had a tie to the world in L. Loosing the detective had been the last event in a chain to rid Kira of his weaker half and finally enable him to focus his attention on the destiny Raito had been too scared to accomplish. As the pain finally started to slip away, so did the world.

**Miko:** Yeah, the ending is still crap, but let me know what you think. .


End file.
